Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmas
by JarOfHearts1984
Summary: Carla muses over the past year and almost slips back to old habits but thankfully she has a good Samaritan who's looking out for her having also experienced his own loss in the past 12 months.


Carla sighed as she looked at the calendar, this time last year she had been so blissfully happy, wrapped up in her new husband with no idea that in the next year her life would once more spiral downwards. Her friend had passed away in January, and that had been hard to accept but the following months seemed to just churn out more dismay as she flipped from one month to the next. Her hand fleetingly fell to her tummy, flat now but had events taken a different turn she should have been ready to deliver or perhaps already basking in motherhood, delighting in her daughter's, their daughters tiny features and dressing her in gorgeous little outfits. She should be pinning Christmas stockings on the fireplace, watching Peter fuss over their baby girl and enjoying family life in a new house. It wasn't meant to end up like this, another divorce on her long list of failed relationships, no tiny baby girl to fuss over and yet another year where she'd likely opt to ignore the festivities.

The radio played the Pogues in some sense of Irony, almost unabashed in mocking her and Peter. Why hadn't she listened? Michelle had been dubious at best when she first learned of their relationship and well Rob had been less than subtle about how much he disliked Peter and doubted he was good for her. She blinked as she felt tears, a mix of anger and sorrow rising in her eyes. Why had Peter done that, for the first time ever she had thought they could settle down and be a normal family. Hell she genuinely had warmed to the idea of having a baby with him and all along he'd been screwing with her, screwing the barmaid young enough to be his daughter. Yet it had taken a hell of a lot of willpower when he'd dragged her to the Rovers backroom and told her he wanted her back, that he hadn't stopped loving her. For a moment she had contemplated things but she couldn't tell anyone that. It was weak and no one would understand Carla Connor acting like that. So no she'd told him in no uncertain terms that he could forget any notion of them getting back together. Still her resolve hadn't lasted long and she'd cried on the couch when she got in, and drank almost a bottle of Merlot as if it would numb her pain.

Opening the bottom drawer of her desk she pulled out the bottle of wine she kept there, almost a habit she supposed and went to get a glass. The factory was empty thankfully so no-one would disturb her. Pouring the wine she laughed mockingly at herself. God she was still such a mess deep down, oh to the public the old fiery persona was back but when alone it still hurt. Smiling slightly she focused on the Christmas card Simon had made for her at school. He seemed to have taken it upon himself to pop in from time to time just to chat, and occasionally she took him to Roy's for a snack. In a weird way she wondered if he still thought that she was a connection to Peter and by having a toastie and some lemonade on a dreary winter afternoon in a cafe with her, it was almost as if he was having tea with his Dad. He knew now a little of what had happened and it had shocked her that no-one had told him that she had been pregnant. She'd hugged him as he'd cried over the loss of his baby sister and answered his questions as best she could including an entirely awkward one over if she hated and blamed Tina. His Christmas Card had been brought along with a small wrapped gift and a home cooked mince pie. She'd been slightly lost for words when she'd read the words in his card. 'Merry Christmas Carla love Simon and Ella x.' She'd told him once that Ella was what she would have called the baby. He'd worried she was upset that he had put Ella's name in his card but she had assured him that wasn't the case and it meant a lot that he had put Ella's name in his card, that he would have been a good big brother. Sipping the wine she gazed through teary eyes at the letter's of Ella's name, wandering what her precious baby would have looked like.

Roy had just popped to Tyrone's to drop off a Christmas Card, somehow with Hayley's passing he had not been very organized in writing Christmas Cards this year. It seemed odd to see his name on it's own, written in his handwriting and not Hayley's more elegant hand. "You can come through Roy, the kids are almost ready for bed." Tyrone said knowing at times Roy felt overwhelmed by Hope and Ruby. "I'm okay thank you Tyrone." Roy said as he turned and missed Tyrone rolling his eyes slightly before he shut the door, the sounds of two small girls who had no intention of going to bed any time soon echoing as he did so. Roy's eyes fell to the factory where the lights were still on and he sighed thinking of the young woman no doubt sat in there lamenting over the losses she had endured over the past year. Sure he had lost but he had known Hayley had loved him until her last moment. Carla, well Carla had lost a man she had thought worshipped her, a brother who was now facing decades in jail, a friend who had betrayed her, Hayley and her unborn baby girl. Something seemed to make him want to head to the factory, a feeling he couldn't ignore. He knocked lightly on the door but there was no answer and finding the door open he headed into the factory.

Carla put the glass down and let out a sob as the strains of Wham echoed through the radio. God it was like the music station was messing with her. Last Christmas! Last Christmas everything was fine, well in her mind it was at least. Last Christmas her brother wasn't a convicted murderer, her and Peter were still acting like it was their honeymoon and the only major problems in her life were what to buy Deirdre for Christmas and whether she could persuade Peter that having Simon stay for the whole week of Christmas wasn't necessary when he lived over the road. She was startled momentarily by a shadow by the office window but that ceased when she heard a soft tap at the office door and in the light she could see it was Roy. "Sorry Roy, come through." She said opening the door knowing he would feel as though he was invading her personal space if she didn't physically invite him in. "You caught me." She said apologetically as she indicated for Roy to take a seat.  
>"Caught you what? Musing over the past year, I've done that myself, though may I advise a fruit juice rather than your beverage." Roy said as Carla rather ashamed moved the offending glass of wine.<p>

"Is it stupid of me?" Carla asked after a moment of silence. Roy regarded her momentarily and furrowed his brow.  
>"Is what stupid?"<p>

"That deep down, I still love him. Not in any way I could be with him but well I miss what we could have been, what we could have had?" Carla asked in a small voice. Roy reached out hesitantly and patted her hand lightly. "No, not stupid. It means he meant something to you. I may not be Peter Barlow's biggest fan, but I know he was instrumental in helping you when you were at your lowest ebb. If you could switch off your feelings so easily then it would mean that what you thought you had, well it wasn't that." Roy said as Carla looked up at him.

"It hurts so much though." She whispered tearfully.

"I know. I know it does, and I know that your hurting for more than just one loss Carla." Roy said softly as his eyes fell to a staff picture on the top of a shelf, one from back when Hayley was still superviser. Carla followed his gaze and smiled slightly. "I thought I better keep her watching over me, reckon she'd make a good conscience when I need one." Carla said as Roy smiled at her words.

"She was very fond of you Carla and you of all people around here have a conscience." He said not needing to remind her of how she had revealed to the police the true killer of Tina. "And look where it got me. Alone, drinking. Hell the past three years might as well have not happened." Carla said bitterly.

"But they have, and we have to do what our loved ones would want us to do." Roy said as Carla bit her lip. "And that's what?"

"Live, do what they can't. Don't dwell on what might have been's. Do new things and don't feel guilty for it. Hayley and your daughter can't be here and that's tragic but as much as it hurts us both they want us to live on. Experience things they couldn't." Roy said gently as Carla wiped her teary eyes.  
>"You're right. Thank you Roy. Erm, I have something for you." Carla said as she rummaged in her desk and found the small item. "I hope you won't be offended as I know you don't believe in heaven but I think the sentiments the main thing. Chelle bought me one for the baby and well I thought of you." Carla said as she handed him a glass ornament with a small passage on the side. "I'm not particularly religious either but well it kind of goes with what you said in a way." She ventured as Roy read the small inscription. "Because someone I love is in Heaven, there is a little bit of heaven in my heart." He held the ornament reverently and nodded a little at Carla. "Thank you."<p>

"No Roy thank you." She said as she gave him a friendly hug and let him head out of the factory to where the first flakes of snow were starting to fall.


End file.
